“I strongly suggest you wait 18 months to try again” That was my Dr. advice at my 6 week appointment after having lost Kadin. 18 months……was he joking??? “I am not waiting 18 months!!!” is what I told Pat on our way home, by this point we had already been in therapy and one of our main topics was if or when we would try again. It went from “NEVER EVER we will have dogs and be happy with that!” to “I will know deep in my heart when the right time will be” to “RIGHT NOW!! I WANT A BABY NOW” my sweet husband agreed every time my mind changed, and I know he would have loved me and our house full of dogs if that’s what I had decided on.
18 months was the timeline I had been given by the man who saved my life, he said I would be physically able to try again in 6 months, but what he was most concerned about was my mental healing. As it was I had a small anxiety attack walking into the hospital, his office is on the same floor as the Ultra sound place, the last time I had been on that floor was the day before I lost Kadin, they were trying to determine where the bleeding was coming from but I was focused on the little bean on the screen that would not stay still. My mental healing was far from even starting.
I read every article I could about having a baby after “Placental Abruption”, I hit every board on the internet of woman sharing their experiences, I read it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. I learned that if you have a successful pregnancy after a loss, that baby is called a “rainbow baby” because rainbows come after storms. I wanted my rainbow….well I wanted Kadin but since that was not possible I wanted the GIANT hole in my being to close just a little.
“He said 6 months, that means I will be pregnant by August” that was my goal, the only thing I focused on. I like goals, I like deadlines, I like knowing that there is a beginning and an end, and to me in 6 months when I got pregnant again my world would be right again, the pain gone, the anger gone, the sleepless nights gone, the nightmares gone, the constant crying gone, the giant hole in my heart healed….all of that would be over right?
Keiren was conceived August 14th, 2012. He was planned down to the second, he was wanted like no other baby has been before, he was loved before he ever existed. 38 agonizing weeks followed, at the end of each day I would hold my belly tight and say “thank you for letting me be his mom for one more day” that’s all I could do, try to get to the end of each day. At our 18 week ultra sound the question was not “is it a boy or girl?” it was “can you see the position of the placenta?” finding out he was a boy was hard, what if I lost my second son again?. The day I turned 22 weeks I kept waiting for something bad to happen, that day was filled with so much anxiety! images of the hospital playing in a loop…..I started to breath just a tiny bit better when week 24 came around, after all he would be “viable” if something happened they could try to save him, there was hope that he may just be mine.
After week 24 I did not read the blogs to see what sizes of fruit he would be at that stage or what new developments were happening, I read the ones titled “Rate of survival at week 25, 30, 33…etc..” I became OBSESSED with “fetal movement” I could not go more than 10 minutes without feeling him move, every little kick, punch or stretch a reassurance that he was ok. The day of his c-section was finally schedule for Tuesday April 23, 2013 at 8:00 am, I worked up to that Friday, keeping my mid busy is how I stayed sane….until the Sunday before around midnight, I was laying in bed when Keiren decided it was time to dance, I watched my belly distort for about 20 minutes before texting Pat that I was on my way to the hospital (Pat was at work) I was CONVINCED after doing a google search on rapid fetal movement, that the baby was in distress. This was it…..the horrible thing that I feared would happen, that I had convinced myself would happen was happening right before he was supposed to be born!
38 weeks pregnant. 1:30 am. In my Pj’s. I was in a cab on the way to labour and delivery. I had called ahead of time so they were waiting for me when I arrived, naturally they had pulled out my file which detailed the sad story of Kadin’s birth/death. I was put in a room right away and a fetal heart monitored strapped to my belly…..whhooosshhh…….whhossshh…..whhooosshhhhh just as I started to panic……thump…thump…thump…..thump…thump…..there it was, the most glorious sound in the world, Keiren’s heart beating at a nice 150….thump…thump…thump. The attending OB recognized me right away, she had been there that horrible morning and was the one that tricked me into going to the OR. She sat next to me on the bed and said “I have thought about you from time to time, so glad you are ok, and better yet, this baby is ok!!!” she said it was a slow night and I could stay in that bed listening to Keiren’s heart for as long as I wanted, they also wanted me to stay a little longer since my heart was beating a mile a minute and my blood pressure had risen slightly. In the cab I had prepared the phone call to Pat, the one to my parents, I had prepared myself for the worst, never really accepting that this may not end badly.
3 hours I stayed, laying in the hospital bed listening to the thump……thump….thump….the nurses would come in and chat, never once judging me for taking up a room, they all read the chart and some remembered me from that two-week stay a little over a year before. I had been in such a panic that it had not registered to me where I was, I had not been back to the 5th floor since Pat had to wheel me out arms holding a bag instead of a baby. I let the memories come, I let them take over me and I cried…..and cried….and cried….I re-played those two weeks in the hospital in my head and let the grief take me, I did that because Tuesday would be about Keiren. I promised the little thump…thump..thump, that when we came back it would be all about him. A rainbow can’t come in the middle of a storm.
On Tuesday we picked up my mom and arrived at the hospital by 6:00 am, my nurse Tara was fantastic!!! she was so funny, kind, understanding and called in other nurses to see how nice I looked for the arrival of my baby (I had a mani/pedi, my hair blown out and put on makeup) I was determined to have a beautiful experience this time around and she was so helpful in achieving that. I was prepped and ready, I had asked if they would knock me out but was told no, when it’s not an emergency they just give you a spinal.
Tara came and said it was time, she gave Pat scrubs and promised to be with me the entire time. She started to wheel me to the OR and the memory hit me like a brick, because again Pat had to wait outside until I was ready and just like before our eyes meet, excitement and nerves were there this time. I on the other hand could not breathe…..the smell of the OR, the lights, the bed in the middle, I was getting dizzy and Tara….GOD BLESS HER….grabbed my hands and said “I promise you a baby today”. The spinal went in an within seconds I was numb from my waist down, another lovely nurse helping me lay back on the bed. Memories flooded my brain and I was fighting to stay in the present. I concentrated on the chatter, Tara introduced everyone and she told me to introduce myself. ..” hi, my name is Karla and I will be having a baby today!” They cheered a little and kept setting up. After what felt like a million years Pat came in, it was time to start!!!!
“You won’t feel pain, just pressure. If you feel something say “pain” if it’s a sharp pain say “sharp”, but again you won’t feel anything”
I laid there looking between Pat and the machine on my right, listening to the Dr’s talking to each other, to Tara asking me question “are you ok?”, “do you feel cold? You are shaking!” Finally the Dr. Said “ok you are going to feel like I am pushing on your stomach, dad get the camera ready we are going to take baby out!”
I felt like an elephant sat on my chest and I could not breathe, I wanted to sit up! Then Pat was standing and I could see him take his phone out and he was crying…then the Dr. Said “you have a tough little one he does not want to come out!” (Keiren was holding onto the cord and would not let go!!) Then she said, “Dad get ready….oohh…it’s a boy and he is peeing everywhere!!”
Keiren Alexander Lizano MacCormac, made his arrival and displeasure known, he peed on everyone and screamed his lungs out…..just as emotion was about to hit me I said “PAIN!” “SHARP!!” My body had absorbed the spinal quickly and I was feeling EVERYTHING. All they could do at that point was give me morphine but it was going to take a few minutes to kick in…when they are putting you back together after taking a human out of you minutes are like hours. They close the inside first then the top layer. I felt every stitch, I counted them, I could feel the needle go in then out, then in, then out.
Meanwhile to my left Pat was with Keiren and the neo natal team looking after him. 38 weeks of worry and he was here, alive, screaming his lungs out. I had waited for this moment and I felt nothing but excruciating pain, I could not focus on him I just wanted them to stop with the needle! !!!!!! Finally I heard the Dr’s congratulate each other on how nice my incision looked (they did do a great job, I only have one scar since they cut along the previous one and managed to close along the same line to…thank you for that!) and before I knew what was going on Tara placed Keiren in my arms and Pat took this photo:
We were taken back to the recovery room and the morphine was starting to kick in, I remember my mom coming in and giving me a big kiss, I handed Keiren over to her and even tho she tried her hardest I could see the tears in them as she looked down at her baby, I may have given birth to him but Keiren was hers from the moment she knew I was pregnant. She suffered in silence when I lost Kadin and she worried in silence the entire 38 weeks I was pregnant. Here she is with her baby:
Life as I knew it had changed again, but this time I looked forward to it.