In seconds nurses and the rest of the team were on me and I panicked, I ripped the iv’s out of my arms and blood went everywhere, I had changed my mind, nurses on either side grabbed my arms and as I sobbed one said “i’m so sorry honey…..” that is the last thing I remember.
Back in the same room where everything went to hell, my nurse Heather was there, placing a tiny little baby all wrapped up in my arms, I remember her pink stethoscope listening to his heart. I wish my memory of this was clearer, that I was not so drugged that I could have soaked up that moment. She quietly told me he was gone, that he had lived long enough for me to wake up. My little bean died in my arms, he was so still and perfect, I remember taking out his little feet and kissing them, the feet that had kicked me, the feet that had danced on the screen the day before now they were still. Later I was told that from the moment I started to bleed to the time Kadin was delivered it had only been 8 minutes, the human body holds about 5L of blood and I had lost 4. If I had been anywhere but the hospital when the placenta tore away from my body (Placental Abrumption) I would have died in under 10 minutes.
I was heavily drugged , some memories are clear and some are foggy, I remember seeing my best friend and her beautiful big eyes were full of tears as she held my hand and told me that my baby was beautiful. He was, the nurse made sure to take pictures of him that I hold so dear, people came and went, conversations were had around me. When I woke up the next day it hit me, I was between the heavy drugs they had me on and I wanted to see…Pat helped me to the bathroom and I moved my gown, my belly was soft and covered in the orange sterilization liquid. He was gone.
My life forever changed on March 11, 2012. some really dark days followed, days were I could see emptying the entire bottle of morphine along with the sedatives they had given me, but all I had to do was look in the eyes of those that loved me to know I could not cause them more pain. Those thoughts did not last long but the giant hole in my being remains. I have said it many time but I will say it again. One baby does not replace another. Kadin was a light unto himself and I wish I could have been given the chance to love him, to find out who he was, to do all the things that we do with his brother. I miss him. I wish everyday I could hold him, kiss him, smell his little feet after being in socks all day…..I still wish. I still yearn for my son.
Two years later and the memory of those 6 months being Kadin’s mom are engraved in my soul, that awful day still so fresh, it still hurts so much and I cried the entire time I typed his story. Kadin was real, he was my son and I wanted to be his mom and all the happiness and joy that his brother has brought me and my family does not in any way change the pain I feel, it’s just that now the happy feelings last longer than the sad ones.
They say whatever you put on-line lives forever.
Kadin Antonio Lizano MacCormac
March 11, 2012Part 1 Part 2 Part 3