I tried Kadeenn

The countdown to today starts on my birthday, 4 years ago I was told I was carrying a little boy and a few days later I named you. KADIN.

This year I tried hard to enjoy turning 35 and I spent a wonderful day being loved by your daddy and brother and the grandparents that were so overjoyed to know you would be a boy. I tried. I tried to not remember looking at your dad when they said “BOY”, I tried not to remember his face so full of love and tears for his future guy. I tied not to remember the mustard colour sweater I wore that proudly showed my little bump. I tied to be in the moment, to enjoy the little arms that hugged me and the little lips full of chocolate cake that gave me kisses, to hear the little voice that sang “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOMMMYYYY…” I tried love, but all I could think of was the little hands that have never hugged me, the little lips that have never kissed me and the little voice that I have never heard.

This week I threw myself into party planning for your brother’s upcoming birthday and for a dear friend’s bridal shower. All momentary reliefs for my brain that will not stop trying to make me remember. During the day I can get away from the memories, but at night they wait for me, I have been waking up (or been woken up by your furry brother and a nightmare your brother had) and right away my mind goes….4 years ago on this day at this time this is what you were doing…and this is how the hospital smelled…and this is how you felt…that unease feeling of something horrible about to happen. I knew it then, but oohh how I hoped.

Your Grandma told Keiren that he has an angel brother and what your name is. Last week when I got home he ran to me and proudly exclaimed ” I HAVE A BROTHER AND HIS NAME IS KADEEENNNN” the sting of that sentence was almost too much, had your grandma not been there I would have broken down. It that moment how I wished I could hear him say your name and you come running behind him. Had life gone according to plan, I would be a mommy to two boys, and Keiren would be just learning to say your name. He would be running after you screaming “KADEENNNN!!” I tried and succeeded in stopping that flash of a wish that will never be and gave him a hug and said “Yes baby, you have an angel brother and his name is Kadin” he said “NO!! KADEENN!!” so my sweet boy, your name is Kadeenn, so says Keiren.

I tried sweet boy to make today a day where I remember the happy feeling of carrying you, I tried to remember holding you for those brief minutes. I tried to be thankful that I did not go with you because I am here with Keiren and he brings so much joy to everyone. I tried and failed…there will always be a part of me that wishes I did not let you go alone.

Thank you for the gift that is your brother. I know the kisses and the hugs that I got today were extra sweeter because they are also from you. Thank you for the signs sweet boy, I see them. Thank you for being in the light.

I tried to keep you safe and I failed.

I love you Kadeenn.

Mommy ❤

 

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Love You Forever

I’ll love you forever

I’ll like you for always

As long as I’m living

My baby you’ll be……

That part of Roger Munsch’s book was quoted at Kadin’s service, before that day I had never heard of the book and I certainly did not know that it was a MUST for every parent with a child…..but instead of me reading it to Kadin before he went to bed it was quoted for him before he was laid to rest.

I managed to go 21/2 years after having Keiren and never seeing that book, it was never gifted to me as I think most people assume that I had it and I never bought it as it was not a book I wanted to read to Keiren. The connection it has to his brother was just to hard, because that quote is so true for both of them. Until the day I take my last breath, my son’s….BOTH of them will be my babies, it’s just that one of them went before me.

About a month ago I was with my mom on a Saturday shopping trip at Home Sense looking for items for Keiren’s “Big Guy Room” (I will do a post on that) when she stopped in front of the book section and Keiren happen to pick up this book, the picture on the front is a little boy sitting in front of the potty and my mom said to Keiren “look at the little boy going potty!” she then said “we should buy this for him” thinking it was a potty book. I had been looking at something else and when I turned to look at the book……I swear I could see the breath leave my body, in a second in the middle of Home Sense I was back sitting next to Pat as the minister read that quote in front of a tiny white box that held our son. I took the book from my mom and said “Do you remember the quote from babies funeral? it was from this book….” no she did not remember, because no one remembers all those days like I do. No one has them etched into their soul.

My mom put the book back and just said “Oh” she quickly wheeled Keiren away to the toy section. I stood there and willed my tears to go away. 3 years it has been, and the tears come less, the triggers only happen on anniversary days. I know they are coming and I prepare myself for them. Yet here I was in a store feeling just as raw as I did that day wanting to do nothing more than curl into a ball and just let the grief take me.

I did a lap of the store instead, until I though my eyes were no longer red and my sniffling had somewhat subsided. My mom knew the second she saw me, but we said nothing and kept going. It’s all I can do, wait for the tears to stop and keep going.

A few weeks ago I was looking for new books to read to Keiren at bed time  and of course this book was “most recommended”, “top seller”, “staff pick”; basically the universe telling me BUY THE BOOK…..OK! I bought it thinking I could just add it to Keiren’s special book collection and once he was older I could tell him why the book was special to mom. I told Pat I had ordered the book and did not think I could read it, he asked why, I won’t lie I wanted to scream at him…WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY???……but again, he can’t remember what I told him 5 minutes ago let alone a quote from the worst day of our lives. I know it’s not because he does not care, or has forgotten our son, he just has the worst memory!

He had the same reaction as my mom once I told him why, a quiet “oh”, I left it at that and moved on to something else. When the books came I showed Keiren and that night Pat read him one of the books and I read him the other and just as I was about to turn his light off he said “mamma I wove you!” and gave me a hug. He does not say that often so I took it as a sign that both my boys wanted to hear the story.

I got through the first paragraph before I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. If you have read this story you know that it can make you cry without having any attachment to it, let alone when it has so much meaning behind it. I did my best to not sob as I read it and Keiren liked looking at the pictures of the boy as he grew. I’m proud to say that I read it to him every night now and have gone two pages before the tears come!

Kadin was the first to hear this story, he was the first to make me a mom, Keiren has now outgrown everything that was his brothers there is nothing left that they share. Except me…and this book, and for a few moments every night I am a mother of two reading to her boys and making sure that they know that…

I’ll love them for forever

I’ll like them for always

As long as I’m living

My babies they’ll be

Fancy Lancy

6 Months after welcoming Angel into our lives, Lancer barreled his way into our home! We were just adjusting to life with a pet when our groomer told us about a family that had a red sable Pomeranian that they … Continue reading

22 & 23

Dear Keiren,

Mommy is so very sorry that she did not do a letter to you for your 22nd and 23rd month birthdays….2015 has not been very kind to mommy and her stress level has been at an all time high. As I am gearing up to celebrate your upcoming 2nd birthday (how are you 2?) I wanted to make sure I told you about the last two months and how much you have grown!

I swear that overnight you have become a little boy….how did that happen??? your vocabulary is expanding by the minute and you say words that surprise me daily. Purple was one that came out of nowhere, clear as day you looked at me and said “Mamma purple” when I was doing my nails. Grandpa Max (Appa) is very proud that you fully understand Spanish and can count to 10 in both languages, you say lots of words in Spanish and some of your favorite shows to watch are in our native tongue, I think Daddy has even started to learn some right along with you!

One of your big achievements that Grandma Maria (Amma) is very proud of since she is the force behind it, has been to understand what the potty is, while we still have a long way to go before we are diaper free, you now let me know when a poo or a pee is coming (sometimes) and you also know that it goes in the potty.I think “Mamma Poo Poo!!” is one of my favorite things to hear you say, when we have got you to go in there and we literally throw you a party you excitedly yell “WOOHHOOO” with your hand in the air and do a little dance right along with mommy.

Big achievement number two, you have started to self feed, mommy bought you a Mickey Mouse “big boy” fork and you like to stab it into the food and feed yourself. I must say you do an excellent (if not very messy) job of it. Self feeding is something you should have been doing for a little while, but as you get older you will start to realize that mommy has a hard time letting you do things independently of her. I promise in the end I reason with myself that you need to start being your own little person…..but oohh how it hurts my heart to give you those freedoms ( I am a little better at it then daddy is, so sorry honey, you have crazy parents!).

Tia Maria and Tio David, got you a Thomas the train set for Christmas and your obsession took off! from the moment you wake up to second you go to sleep you have a Thomas the train toy in your little hand and all I hear from you is “Mamma choochoo!!!!” Amma and Appa have gotten you two motorized trains that you drive poor Andy crazy with (and me and daddy 2!….thanks Mom and Dad for the present…) you ask to watch the “choochoo” song on your tablet and sing and dance along to the songs. Melts my heart when I hear you scream “….and FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!” you love that blue train.

You are still fiercely attached to your booboo’s, and you will scream “MAMMA BOOBOOOOOOO!” if i don’t let you cuddle with them when you want, we are working on just a bed time cuddle, in the middle of the mall is not the appropriate time….but let’s be honest if you really want them, you can have hem, even in the middle of the mall!

You have become more and more affectionate and will say “hug, hug” as you lean in. Smart cookie that you are (like your mamma!) you pull the hug card, when you are getting in trouble, and you even throw a kiss in. You like to hold my hand as you watch tv or we ride in the car ( I still sit in the back with you, daddy is our driver :)) and our night-time snuggles are the best part of my day.

The last few months have been stressful for mamma and there are times when she is not as patient with you as she should be. I hope you always know that I love you…such a small word to describe what I feel for you.

I love you times a million, trillion, billion!!!

Mamma

Daddy and Andy 2!

Back to Life

3:30 a.m. and the play-by-play started, the 11th of March 2012 is so engraved in my being that I remember with vivid clarity every second of that day. That knot in my stomach, the feeling of something about to happen….I tried my meditation techniques, but the more I concentrated on my breathing the more the memories became clear, to the point where I could smell the hospital. I even noticed I was laying on the bed in the same way I had that day. Funny how your body remembers things you so wish to forget.

5:30 a.m. That’s when the end started, that’s when the first big gush of blood began.  I began to pray, not for God to save my baby this time (he did not hear me then, but my request was simpler now) but for him to not let Keiren wake up yet, to please let me go through the next two hours alone the way I needed to. It may be wrong or it may be right but for me I find that on anniversary dates I need to go through them, not try to push them away.

7:21 a.m. Keiren woke up, and he did not cry out for me right away like he normally does, he just laid in his crib quietly and I could see him in the monitor playing with his blanket. 3 years earlier I was in a room with my parents and Pat as we discussed the next few days to come, not knowing that all hell was about to break loose. I needed my living son for the next hour, I got up and walked down the hall and his smiling face greeted me as he put his little arms up to be lifted.

7:30 a.m. I went back to my bed and cuddle with Keiren, gave him a million kisses and felt his hot little breath on my face as he said “mamma mine” yes honey I’m yours. “booboo mine” yes honey they are yours. We heard Pat come home and he excitedly pointed and said “DAAA!” then went back to loving on his mom. The end of my journey with Kadin was the beginning of my journey with Keiren, I have not been more aware of that fact than I was holding him at that moment.

8:00 a.m. I made myself get out of bed and leave the warmth of my son’s little arms, I was already in surgery  3 years before, my time with Kadin coming to an end. Keiren was playful and dancing as I pulled on every ounce of strength I had and got ready to go to work. Work always my salvation would help me today, I made the effort to put on some nice clothes and did my makeup fully. My goal for the day was to not cry at work (that only lasted a few hours).

8:33 a.m. We were on our way to work and Keiren was holding my hand in the car. I think he knew I needed his touch, 3 years early Kadin was being taken from my body. Most of what happened after I remember in jagged fragments.

9:30 a.m. Kadin was alive for one hour after his birth, but there is no official time of death for him, all I know is that he waited for me to wake up from surgery and that hour he spent in the arms of those that wanted him and loved him so much. His daddy held and sang to him until he was put in my arms and he gifted me his last breath. Nothing happened at 9:30 a.m on March 11, 2015. I always wait for the world to come crashing down on me like it did that day but nothing happens, the world keeps moving and yet I still feel the weight of it, the anger that comes again. I want to scream and cry “MY SON DIED!! HE DIED!! HE WAS A BABY AND I LOVED HIM AND I WANTED HIM…” but I don’t, I keep moving to.

This anniversary day was ok…the last two I have not been able to get out of bed, I actually spent them both physically sick, vomiting and shaking. The first I was pregnant with Keiren and the fear that gripped me was awful, I was so afraid of not having him, last year we had gotten back from a wonderful trip with friends and I thought I was ok, then the night before it took me down and the emotions were too much for me.

Saturday (March 14th) was the anniversary of Kadin’s memorial service, Keiren was extra clingy not wanting me to be to far from reach. I know he can feel when I need him, when his warm little hands wrap around me as he says “mamma hug!” they somehow ease my hurting heart. Almost like Kadin whispers in his ear “mom needs extra love today” that’s what I like to think anyways.

Spring is in the air, all things that have died start to come alive again. I have another countdown coming, but this one I look forward to, Keiren turning 2. I countdown the days to April 23rd, the day I came back to life.

 

 

 

Dear Kadin…

Your brother always gets a monthly letter (except last month!) and in it I tell him what he has been up to and the things that he currently likes and the things that he does. One for me to brag about him and two so that one day he can read these post and see what life was like for him.

3 years today since your birth/death date and I have not done that for you, because I don’t know what you like, I don’t know what silly things you do, I don’t know what you smell like, I don’t know what you look like now, I don’t know what your laughter sounds like, I don’t know what words you mispronounce, I don’t know if you like to dance, I don’t know what you like to eat, I don’t know. I am your mom and I am supposed to know. I don’t. We never got that chance.

I know the perfect 6 months I had with you, I know every second of our last day together. I know every second of the last 3 years without you. But I don’t know you.

Everyday for the past 3 years I have talked to you, and sometimes you let me know you are there. I may not know you like I know your brother, but I hope through our “chats” you know me. I hope that one day when I finally get to see you and hold you and smell you and hear your voice, I will know everything about you, and it won’t feel like we are strangers.

You are my son and I am your mom. I love you more than I could ever explain. That much I know.

There are no silly pictures of you, not even one of me holding you to attach to this letter that you will never read.

Keiren, this is why mommy holds you tighter, kisses you longer, sings a little softer and cries a little more on the 11th of March. I am giving you what I wish I could give to your brother.

I love you times a million trillion billion Kadin.

Mommy

Daddy and Andy 2.

 

 

3 Years

3 years……

3 years since your feet stopped kicking.

3 years since your hands went still.

3  years since you stopped dancing.

3 years since I held you for the briefest moment in time.

3 years since your perfect mouth took in air.

3 years since your heart stopped making my favorite sound in the world.

3 years since I drank orange juice.

3 years since I had chocolate mini eggs.

3 years since I knew true happiness.

3 years since I picked out your name.

3 years since I kissed you.

3 years since my nightmares began.

3 years since I became your mommy.

3 years since I lost me.

3 years since I lost you.

3 years!!!!!

Tooth Fairy

I figured I had along way to go until I had to start worrying about expensive dental bills….you know for Keiren. I never counted on Andy being the one that would bring me this headache first!

That’s right, my Pomeranian needs to go to the dentist and have his teeth cleaned. No I’m not joking! confession time…..I have not been the best doggy mom to my first fury baby since the arrival of his human brother…confession time….I have not been a good doggy mom to my first fury baby since the death of his first human brother. Andy came into our lives at the tender age of 8 weeks, and he became our world, anyone who knows us knows that he was (still is) the most loved and spoiled little thing, look at his sweet face….how can you not give him the world?!

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But if I am being honest with myself, he began to leave my direct line of sight after I lost Kadin. I took more from him than I gave back, I needed his unconditional love and Andy gave it so freely. Then Keiren came and our world was turned upside down, I yelled more than I should have (with Keiren being such a light sleeper and Andy being such a loud barker you can see where most of the yelling came from). My once always groomed little guy now went 3, 4 sometimes 5 months between grooms and while I still try to have our cuddle times they are shorter than they use to be. I have not been the best mommy to him, and I was smacked in the face with that yesterday after his grooming appointment.

I dropped the ball and now he needs to have a deep dental clean, which if you are wondering is not cheap, as in second mortgage not cheap. Did this news come at a good time? nope, does it ever?! If this was for Keiren there would be no question about needing to do it and it is the same with Andy, I have already scheduled his “consultation” appointment and tomorrow he will be getting his shots in preparation.

OK Andy, you are back in my main line of sight, just please no more surprises, mommy’s wallet can’t take it. You think the tooth fairy will leave me a large amount of money for a doggy tooth???

Here’s hoping!

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Countdown

I promised myself that after last years total meltdown on the anniversary of Kadin’s death, that this year would be different, that I would handle the months leading up to it differently. I have tried, I have dug deep and try to work this grief out, to let go of something that will never change and I think I have made progress….but I can feel it, that heaviness in my chest, my heart beating just a little faster, looking at the calendar and being aware of how many days until THE DAY (45). The feeling of something big about to happen, with the knowledge that THE DAY will come and go and it will only be a nightmare for me, some may remember but no one will relive those events like I will.

I can feel the tears ready to shed at any given moment. The dreams are back or I should say nightmare….the same one. I am in a room and everyone I love is there and they are all crying because the baby is dead, I look around at everyone and then look down. I am holding a baby but he is alive! and I start to scream that he is not dead! he’s not dead! Look Kadin is alive!! When I look down again to show everyone I am holding his urn. I scream…I scream…I scream. I usually lay there for a few minutes calming myself down and then I look at the monitor and see Keiren sprawled across his crib. I need to touch him, I need to make sure….so I creep in his room and put my hand on his back to feel the slow rise and fall of his breath going in and out. He is alive. I have not failed him, like I failed his brother. He is still allowed to be mine.

I guess I still have things to work out. In the meantime my trigger days are fast approaching, the nightmare continues.

The countdown is on.

 “The world around you moves on as if your life was never shattered and all you want the world to do is say that your baby mattered.” -AJ Clark Coates

21 Months

Dear Keiren,

You are 21 months today, and you decided to spend the first few hours of this month sleeping and cuddling with mommy….it was 3:00 a.m. and you failed to clear it with me first but, breathing in the sweet smell of your hair and feeling your hot breath on my neck was worth the no sleep (after a very big cup of coffee!).

You had your first hair cut and sat there like a big boy, the hairdresser even commented on how good you were. I was so proud! Don’t worry your signature crazy curly do is still crazy just with a little more structure.

Any chance you get you like to dance. You love to be tickled and have started to “tickle” back, you like to watch mommy roll on the floor from all the tickles you give her :). Your new favorite show is re-runs of the Teletubbies daddy found on YouTube, you like to say “Laa-Laa and Po!” I can’t wait to show you the show when you are older to see what your reaction is at loving this show.

Everyday a new word comes out of your mouth, the current favorite is “WHY”. “Keiren don’t touch that!”….WHY?…it’s always perfectly timed. The toys you play with the most are a remote control car that scares the living daylights out of Andy (I think that’s why you like to play with it so much!) and the truck toy you got from Auntie Andreea for Christmas….oohh….and the egg crayons!

Mommy has been so sad lately because although you won’t remember him, your favorite doggy Angel died. He was the one we worried most around you because he could be a biter, but he turned out to be the nicest to you, he would let you pet him and followed you everywhere you went. You would laugh and hold your hands when he would walk by and you would gently graze his fur. I will so miss seeing you with him.

When you are older ask me about when he came to say “see ya later” I am so glad I got to share that moment with you.

Mommy has needed you a lot lately, and you have been there ready with those wet kisses and warm hugs. I hope you always have those for me sweet baby.

I love you times a million, trillion, billion!

Mommy

(Daddy and Andy 2!)

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