The countdown to today starts on my birthday, 4 years ago I was told I was carrying a little boy and a few days later I named you. KADIN.
This year I tried hard to enjoy turning 35 and I spent a wonderful day being loved by your daddy and brother and the grandparents that were so overjoyed to know you would be a boy. I tried. I tried to not remember looking at your dad when they said “BOY”, I tried not to remember his face so full of love and tears for his future guy. I tied not to remember the mustard colour sweater I wore that proudly showed my little bump. I tied to be in the moment, to enjoy the little arms that hugged me and the little lips full of chocolate cake that gave me kisses, to hear the little voice that sang “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOMMMYYYY…” I tried love, but all I could think of was the little hands that have never hugged me, the little lips that have never kissed me and the little voice that I have never heard.
This week I threw myself into party planning for your brother’s upcoming birthday and for a dear friend’s bridal shower. All momentary reliefs for my brain that will not stop trying to make me remember. During the day I can get away from the memories, but at night they wait for me, I have been waking up (or been woken up by your furry brother and a nightmare your brother had) and right away my mind goes….4 years ago on this day at this time this is what you were doing…and this is how the hospital smelled…and this is how you felt…that unease feeling of something horrible about to happen. I knew it then, but oohh how I hoped.
Your Grandma told Keiren that he has an angel brother and what your name is. Last week when I got home he ran to me and proudly exclaimed ” I HAVE A BROTHER AND HIS NAME IS KADEEENNNN” the sting of that sentence was almost too much, had your grandma not been there I would have broken down. It that moment how I wished I could hear him say your name and you come running behind him. Had life gone according to plan, I would be a mommy to two boys, and Keiren would be just learning to say your name. He would be running after you screaming “KADEENNNN!!” I tried and succeeded in stopping that flash of a wish that will never be and gave him a hug and said “Yes baby, you have an angel brother and his name is Kadin” he said “NO!! KADEENN!!” so my sweet boy, your name is Kadeenn, so says Keiren.
I tried sweet boy to make today a day where I remember the happy feeling of carrying you, I tried to remember holding you for those brief minutes. I tried to be thankful that I did not go with you because I am here with Keiren and he brings so much joy to everyone. I tried and failed…there will always be a part of me that wishes I did not let you go alone.
Thank you for the gift that is your brother. I know the kisses and the hugs that I got today were extra sweeter because they are also from you. Thank you for the signs sweet boy, I see them. Thank you for being in the light.
I tried to keep you safe and I failed.
I love you Kadeenn.