3:30 a.m. and the play-by-play started, the 11th of March 2012 is so engraved in my being that I remember with vivid clarity every second of that day. That knot in my stomach, the feeling of something about to happen….I tried my meditation techniques, but the more I concentrated on my breathing the more the memories became clear, to the point where I could smell the hospital. I even noticed I was laying on the bed in the same way I had that day. Funny how your body remembers things you so wish to forget.
5:30 a.m. That’s when the end started, that’s when the first big gush of blood began. I began to pray, not for God to save my baby this time (he did not hear me then, but my request was simpler now) but for him to not let Keiren wake up yet, to please let me go through the next two hours alone the way I needed to. It may be wrong or it may be right but for me I find that on anniversary dates I need to go through them, not try to push them away.
7:21 a.m. Keiren woke up, and he did not cry out for me right away like he normally does, he just laid in his crib quietly and I could see him in the monitor playing with his blanket. 3 years earlier I was in a room with my parents and Pat as we discussed the next few days to come, not knowing that all hell was about to break loose. I needed my living son for the next hour, I got up and walked down the hall and his smiling face greeted me as he put his little arms up to be lifted.
7:30 a.m. I went back to my bed and cuddle with Keiren, gave him a million kisses and felt his hot little breath on my face as he said “mamma mine” yes honey I’m yours. “booboo mine” yes honey they are yours. We heard Pat come home and he excitedly pointed and said “DAAA!” then went back to loving on his mom. The end of my journey with Kadin was the beginning of my journey with Keiren, I have not been more aware of that fact than I was holding him at that moment.
8:00 a.m. I made myself get out of bed and leave the warmth of my son’s little arms, I was already in surgery 3 years before, my time with Kadin coming to an end. Keiren was playful and dancing as I pulled on every ounce of strength I had and got ready to go to work. Work always my salvation would help me today, I made the effort to put on some nice clothes and did my makeup fully. My goal for the day was to not cry at work (that only lasted a few hours).
8:33 a.m. We were on our way to work and Keiren was holding my hand in the car. I think he knew I needed his touch, 3 years early Kadin was being taken from my body. Most of what happened after I remember in jagged fragments.
9:30 a.m. Kadin was alive for one hour after his birth, but there is no official time of death for him, all I know is that he waited for me to wake up from surgery and that hour he spent in the arms of those that wanted him and loved him so much. His daddy held and sang to him until he was put in my arms and he gifted me his last breath. Nothing happened at 9:30 a.m on March 11, 2015. I always wait for the world to come crashing down on me like it did that day but nothing happens, the world keeps moving and yet I still feel the weight of it, the anger that comes again. I want to scream and cry “MY SON DIED!! HE DIED!! HE WAS A BABY AND I LOVED HIM AND I WANTED HIM…” but I don’t, I keep moving to.
This anniversary day was ok…the last two I have not been able to get out of bed, I actually spent them both physically sick, vomiting and shaking. The first I was pregnant with Keiren and the fear that gripped me was awful, I was so afraid of not having him, last year we had gotten back from a wonderful trip with friends and I thought I was ok, then the night before it took me down and the emotions were too much for me.
Saturday (March 14th) was the anniversary of Kadin’s memorial service, Keiren was extra clingy not wanting me to be to far from reach. I know he can feel when I need him, when his warm little hands wrap around me as he says “mamma hug!” they somehow ease my hurting heart. Almost like Kadin whispers in his ear “mom needs extra love today” that’s what I like to think anyways.
Spring is in the air, all things that have died start to come alive again. I have another countdown coming, but this one I look forward to, Keiren turning 2. I countdown the days to April 23rd, the day I came back to life.